Mooching by ‘Canine Rosie’

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This post was written by: Gailstrail

This story came from a friend of a friend of a friend, I’m not sure where it originated. The story holds much truth for all those furry four legged friends. Rosie certainly knows a few tricks. Draw your kids and your four legged friends around and read it out loud, it’s sure to bring tears of laughter all around. However, place some cotton in your canines ears…you don’t want them to get the idea that you know what there up to!

Mooching:

Buddy and my fellow dogs, I have watched some of you, from a distance, of course, and I’m truly ashamed at your ineptitude in getting what you want from your Alpha person. (An Alpha person is the one who thinks he/she is in charge.) Take my word for it, I’ve been mooching successfully for more than three years, with no prior experience, and I promise you, with a little effort, you can become just as overweight as I am! We’ll just go over a few tricks of the trade for everyday mooching. Let’s begin with our EARS. First and most important, you must always sleep with your ears in tune. Keep your eyes closed and your body at rest but never, never turn off your hearing! You must, at all times, be alert for sounds of eating, as you gain mooching ability, your Alpha person will try to think up ways of outsmarting you. Watch for these:

• Running water or garbage disposal to disguise refrigerator door opening.
• Banging pots and pans to disguise opening cupboard door.
• Sneaking into the garage to remove cellophane from cookie boxes.
• Sneaking into bathroom to eat a Snickers bar.
• (The meanest trick of all!) Getting sent outside for a “bathroom” trip when you know darn well they’re just going to snack.

Once you’ve trained your hearing to pick up ALL eating sounds within a 5,000 square-foot radius, you must begin perfecting your mooching behavior. This is vitally important and is definitely an art. I would suggest you spend at least two weeks on each of the following behavior patterns. Begin by thoroughly learning one before you undertake the next step and then carefully integrate all patterns together as needed.

1. STARING: This seems to make the Alpha person nervous and self-conscious. There’s a good chance the person will share his snack just to get rid of you. Do not at any time deviate from a burning stare, and for the sake of perfection, do not blink. Blinking makes them think your concentration is wavering.

2. HEAD COCKING: As you stare laser rays through your Alpha person, begin cocking your head gracefully. First cock slowly to the right, then slowly to the left. Continue head movements until you receive a piece of food. Now, remember—GRACEFULLY. An important part of this procedure is the quizzical expression. It should be between cute and confused, as if you can’t believe that piece of cake is not heading for your mouth.

3. DROOLING: This one always works. Begin drooling close to your Alpha person. Be sure to drool either on the shoe or leg. This is particularly heartrending when you combine it with head cocking—a moment of frozen in place, left or right head cocking with a considerable drool is classic. Do not ease drooling until all food is gone.

4. PAWING: On the off chance your Alpha person is a zombie and still has not noticed you, begin pawing at your person’s leg. Crash a paw down of the knee, that always gets attention. Once your person looks directly at you, begin head cocking and drooling in earnest. The expression-do NOT forget that quizzical, anxious look.

5. TAIL WAGGING: Is an optional behavior. If you’re standing, tail wagging can be effective, but when in Down or Sit positions, tail wagging is a waste of energy. Besides, you don’t really want your Alpha person to think you’re happy UNTIL you get what you want. Use your judgment of tail wagging: if your person is a sucker for a cute wag or two, by all means give it a whirl!

6. KNEEING: This always gets them right between the eyes! If you’re close enough to your Alpha person, drop your head gently on the person’s knee and remain that way, staring intently at their mouth. The little guys (puppies) can be just as effective by placing your chin on the closest foot. Be certain enough drool comes through to leave a wet patch. There’s no way that food will reach that mouth – it’s headed straight for yours!

7. BARKING: If you develop all of the above into an repertoire, you may never need to resort to barking. Barking is a last resort! When you’ve lost eye contact and you see your share of the food dwindling down to crumbs, you will definitely need barking, but you must remember to keep it conversational. No warning prowlers bark, just a light, conversational bark in the key of C. Keep it intermittent and throw in a few head cocks with it.

8. CRAWLING: This is a very objectionable movement but sometimes a necessary one. When you’re on a Down/Stay command, you have little choice but to crawl slowly across to your Alpha person. Remember to leave a trail of drool and throw in at least five head cocks. Under no circumstances should your belly leave the ground; you must appear obedient at all times! Pant hard when you arrive within the circle of crumbs; a little out-of-breath scenario makes them aware that you won’t always be around to share their food. It gets them right in the heart!

9. DESIGNING: Whenever they resort to the meanest trick in the book-putting you outside so they can gorge, it calls for a little revenge. I call it “designing”. Take your wet nose and drool-covered mouth and begin creating a masterpiece design on the glass door. You can stick a food in your water bowl, then in the dirt to get a good mound of mud, which wipes easily across the glass door. If you are faced with a wooden door, forget the nose prints and double up on the mud.

Well, my friends, practice makes perfect. Once you’ve mastered all of these pointers, feel free to add any of your own. Develop your style by striving consistently for perfection. When you’ve been at it for awhile, you might even attain my high level by controlling your stomach growls. I can assure you, a loud growling stomach will get you just about anything in the house. Remember we’re a lot smarter than they are.